October 2025
Don’t Just Speed-Date Your Parts
The Six F’s of IFS and the Art of Befriending
We live in a culture that wants everything impulse, a.k.a. a part, sneaks in. We meet a part, ask it what it needs, and before we even finish the conversation—boom—we’re trying to change it, manage it, make it disappear or bypass it so we can get to the exile. That’s not healing. That’s speed-dating your parts.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) invites something entirely different. Healing doesn’t come from managing or fixing; it comes from relationship. Befriending your parts means staying long enough to know them, not as Don’t Just Speed-Date Your Parts The Six F’s of IFS and the Art of Befriending obstacles to overcome but as parts of you to cherish in your integrated system. Relationships take time.
The Six F’s (from Richard Schwartz’s IFS model) are often taught as a sequence for getting to know a part: Find, Focus, Flesh out, Feel toward, BeFriend, and Fear. But these aren’t boxes to tick. They’re invitations into relationship. How do you think it would work if you met a stranger on the street and suddenly asked them their deepest darkest secret and then told them to move aside?
Let’s look at the 6 F’s from a relationship lens.
1. Find
Notice where a part is showing up. It might be a tightness in your chest, a looping thought, or a voice that says, “You’re not doing enough.” Just find it. No need to interrogate, label, or analyze. Like spotting someone across the room at a party—you don’t need to know their life story yet. Just recognize they’re there. How does it show up for you? Is it a thought(s), feelings, body sensations? Do you have an image of it?
2. Focus
Bring your attention toward that part. Give it space. Let it know you see it. How do you see it? What do you notice when you focus on it? When we focus without judgment, parts start to relax. They realize they’re not invisible anymore.
3. Flesh Out
Ask gentle questions: What does it look like? How old does it feel? What’s its job? Don’t rush this. “Fleshing out” isn’t prying—it’s curiosity without agenda. You’re beginning to see this part as a person, not a problem. This is where relationship building begins.
4. Feel Toward
Here’s where we learn if there are other parts that have feelings about you interacting with this part. How do you feel toward this part? If there’s judgment, frustration, or fear, that’s another part jumping in. That part might need some attention to be willing to allow you to get to know the other part. Take your time with this part while honoring the presence of the other part. When there is rapport, comfort and familiarity, you can ask if it would be okay for the other part or parts to give some space for you to interact with the initial part. Those parts may want to observe or hang out nearby. See if that can be okay in your system. The purpose of this step is to establish a relationship with the part and self which may take time but your parts are worth the time.
5. Befriend
This is the heartbeat of IFS. Befriending means approaching your parts as companions, not projects. It means finding out what they like and what they don’t. How are they trying to help you? How old are they? How old do they think you (self) are? Self-led beFriending doesn’t have an agenda other than to be in a loving relationship. It’s a relationship for relationship’s sake. Just like real friendships, parts need time, consistency, and trust before they’ll open up. Don’t rush it. You’re not trying to fix them, you’re learning to love them and for them to know that they can be secure in their relationship with you.
Befriending also means continuing to show up and this can be where the speed-dating happens. Too often we meet a part and go through all the steps. Perhaps there’s even an unburdening. Then, it’s onto the next part often with little regard to the part we had just spent some time with. The very part we wanted to befriend one week is lost and left behind the next week. They learn that even that “authentic self” may not be as authentic as they believed and then parts of us wonder why they are “acting up” again.
6. Fear
Fear is shown as the last step and while it certainly should be the first, it may come right alongside any of the other steps as the part learns to trust. What are they afraid would happen if they didn’t do their job? That fear is sacred ground. When a part shows you its fear, it shows you its vulnerability. Stay gentle. Don’t leap to reassure or promise outcomes. Just witness.
If your “goal” is to get rid of a part or even to unburden a part, you’ve already lost relationship. It is being seen as a means to an end, and the end isn’t a relationship. True healing comes when parts no longer feel alone in what they carry and they also know that when there are things that happen that activate them or scare them, you’ve got their back. We need to nurture relationships for them to survive. Many of our parts have been in unhealthy relationships with others but we are striving for something new and better. We want our parts to feel the love and security that they may have never had and to know that YOU are going to take care of them. You’re creating an internal home where every part has a seat at the table, and your authentic self is the gracious host.
Next time you turn inward, notice if you’re speed-dating your parts—trying to get through the steps so you can “fix” something. Slow down. Smile. Make eye contact. Ask them their story. Because healing doesn’t come from efficiency. It comes from love.
